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[19 Feb 2005|07:10pm]
This journal is now closed.
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I could cry but I prefer to scream [16 Feb 2005|09:12pm]
I must have had a total of five fights throughout the day with my mother. I felt like more of a parent today than a fifteen year old. I do not know what exactly it was that set her off, but all day I was getting the boot for it. And what angers me even more is that I work very hard at my studies to please my parents but to please myself more. And because since the moment I set foot in kindergarten I have been every teacher's dream, and my parents completely take advantage of that and have begun to not even notice an A after A after A on my report card. Don't seem to care about all my awards I've received over the past ten years. Last year I got an award from Congress for my outstanding work in school and it still took them a good month before they hung it on the wall. But when my older brother used to play hockey, they had no problem putting up his 1st place trophies. I am proud of my brother for his achievements (his skills weren't in academics)but it just didn't seem fair, especially when school is what counts. But to get to the point, why was I the one who got the dirty looks and attitude? Why was I treated badly especially when I do everything they ask of me and more? As far as I'm concerned I'm the good child! And then when my mom went to tell my father what had happened that day, of course I was the bad guy because she's a mom, she's perfect, she can do no wrong. I was so full of rage earlier today that when my best friend Alex played an angry song, I headbanged all my energy away. I wished to die, to make them feel bad and see their faults instead of being the first one to point out everyone else's.

Davey said it best--"In your world we may be no one, but what makes you think you're someone? We have got just what we need and we don't need you. We don't need you to darken our day. We've never given up before and this stand won't be our first time."

And now because deaddoloreshaze said so here is my theme song Dream of Waking by AFICollapse )
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[16 Feb 2005|09:43am]
Okay...not much to update, but I have found a new way to help raise money for my brother and his girlfriend. Eventually I'll post my works here just in case anybody's interested.
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[15 Feb 2005|09:31am]
Valentine's Day was marvelous, even though I didn't go anywhere, well if you count running to the store to buy cigarettes (no worries, not for me.) I was my brother's valentine! He said he didn't want any drama this day and he knew one girl who wouldn't ruin his valentine's day, and that was moi! Lindsay did end up coming over, almost wearing the same skirt as me, but when you looked at them for a minute, you could tell they were two different skirts. And our tops were completely different as well.

I loved my outfit, I felt girly and very pretty. Last night, while skimming through some cataloges I found two shirts to die for, and they're on sale! So mommy will have to buy them for me, pretty please. I'm getting back into the groove of wearing flattering tops and pants/shorts/skirts..etc. I used to hide behind jeans and band shirts you get from Hot Topic. Now I'm starting to realize that I have a tiny waist (which reminds me I want to know my measurements), I only weigh 107 lbs, I'm pretty tall, about 5'5", I have been told I have really great legs, and not to mention those specific assets that are not too small, but not too large either, I should strut my stuff. I love doing my make-up girly too, I've noticed that I haven't touched the black eyeshadow in ages. Could this be a new me? I think so. I've died my hair a light brown because my natural hair color was quite dark, and I've cut my hair too, (it's now a little below my collarbone.) It looks adorable.
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Happy Hearts Day! [13 Feb 2005|08:06pm]

Show me some love <3
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He's everywhere I look [12 Feb 2005|06:23pm]
Every now and then, strange things start to happen. My little brother's toys start to go off in the middle of the night, sometimes all night. I hear things, I see just a glimpse of things brushing past me in the hallway, and I see faces when I close my eyes. My bedroom door kept opening when my mother and I knew fully well that I had shut it. The same pranks are happening to each of us just they way he set them up about two years ago. And just now I saw something, someone standing on my stairs..I know I have a visitor.
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[11 Feb 2005|09:31pm]
I'm really irritated with humankind right now, or maybe it's the girl sitting on my couch.
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I threw up my heart [08 Feb 2005|02:30pm]
One hand holds a razor blade, the other a glass of alcohol...no time for love.
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Dreaming [06 Feb 2005|09:39pm]

She'll Be Okay
It's okay, turn out the lights. Don't be afraid. Afraid to die. Close your tired eyes, it'll be alright, alright to cry. Slash your wrists, taste the blood. And feel at peace. The sun is going, the stars are fading in. Night is almost here. Kneel down and pray for your sin. Remember the scent of the white flower. The one you adore. Remember the feel of the morning dew kissing your nose. Close your eyes and remember him, and the way he loved you. Open your eyes and remember the way he hated you. You're a little girl, shattered at the heart. Take glory in knowing that after you are gone, he'll remember, remember everything. Remember you. Now it is your turn. Forget about the tears cried, the blood shed, and the terrible strife. It is now your turn my dear. Don't be afraid, go ahead and take the knife.

I love Aaron, I really do.
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[04 Feb 2005|03:30pm]
Hello all my little darlings. I've been away for some time, but I need a place to rant and spill everything without be judged or having the wrong person get a hold of my thoughts. With that said, I felt I needed to get back in touch with the people I adore, because they always brighten my day. It seems every time I turn around I get slammed in the face with drama and heartbreak. In the end, I can't help but become numb to the feeling. I feel like a huge weight has been put on my shoulders and it will take a while before I can lift myself back up again. I'm really tired. Of what exactly, I couldn't even begin to explain. There are a lot of people I miss and a lot of things I'd like to change, but that could never be. My confidence has been shot down and I just want to curl up in my bed, with my blankets to keep me warm (because that's as good as it's going to get), and go to sleep. I'm starting to hate waking up in the morning.
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